Posts tagged bitch
Posts tagged bitch
I’m not proud of this, but back in my heyday of being single and going out to bars/clubs, one of my favorite pastimes was messing with guys I’d meet. There was something about lying to people that was like a drug; I’d start off with something small, and then it would spiral out of control until I was in too deep and in a tangled, convoluted web of well, bullshit. I became addicted to doing it each and every night I went out. The thing is? I was SO good at it.
Looking back, I feel kind of bad for doing it — especially since I now realize how hard it is for guys to approach women to begin with. I mean, do they really need to go up to a girl and be blatantly lied to and told false information for every question they ask? Oh well.
Here were some of my favorite moves:
Fake names. Sure, this is an easy one; I’m not saying I invented it. But the name had to be utterly ridiculous to cause a reaction. Back in the day, I always used ‘Morgan’ as my fake name when I met people. But then one night, an unlucky suitor came up to a few of my friends and I at a bar in the city, and I took the Morgan thing WAY too far. I introduced myself as “Morgan Stanley” and then for the remainder of the evening had to explain that I was an heiress to the bank. I went on and on about my family’s success in the financial industry, and this poor guy was buying it. I then crossed the line when I introduced him to my friend named “Merrill Lynch” - I think the conversation was over at that point.
Saying the wrong name. Speaking of names, I loved to call guys by the wrong name when they introduced themselves to me, even if I heard them correctly. I was in Atlantic City for a bachelorette party (this is sad because it was only a year ago) and the girls and I met a very nice young man named…uh, Gary? Evan? Stuart? I actually have no idea what his name is. All I know is that I started calling him ‘Ginger’ and would not stop, even when he continuously corrected me. I think he may have had curly reddish hair, too — which made it extra hilarious to me. I introduced him to other people as Ginger, and then as the night went on he became “Ging” and then “Gingy.” He was a good sport but I know he secretly wanted to punch me.
Knocked Up. I’m not a fan of anyone being pushy, so if I’m offered a drink or a shot by a stranger and I decline — and they PERSIST — they’re getting the “I’m pregnant” line. If you want to see a person totally confused, terrified and also extremely judgmental, tell a guy in a bar or club that you are pregnant. One time when I pulled the preggo card on someone, he pointed out that I was obviously lying since I was drinking a Corona. I explained that you’re allowed to have beer when you’re pregnant, just not hard alcohol. He left me alone after that.
Fake Professions. I’ve been a Hooter’s Waitress, a lawyer, a foot doctor (this was by far one of the funniest and most random), to name a few. A guy started talking to me as I was about to leave the bar once and I told him, “I can’t stay - I have surgery in the morning.” After he showed concern and asked if I was OK, I explained, “oh, no, I’m performing it. I’m a surgeon.”
A good friend of mine used to always get mad when I did this to people, and said it was mean. She would never participate when I tried to rope her in, and instead was as nice and pleasant as could be. HOWEVER, she recently told me that she met someone in a bar and she told them she was a professional ice skater (she’s really a nurse). I was so, so proud of her.
I’m writing to say that I’m throwing in the towel and retiring from this world of lies and deceit. While I did write this post and think to myself MY GOD YOU ARE AWFUL, I have to say it provided some good laughs.